am. / am not.

When the moment strikes and yougiveupthinkingaboutallthat & snaptorealizeheyyo – the gig is up! The host or hostess smiles wide, “we’ve been expecting you,” and you believe, you know it’s true, you haven’t forgotten. You got the invitation a long time ago. between nods with a bow and sweeping open this curious non-thing, it’s confounding: equally peaceful as simply pleasant & quiet yet thunderous (this is the moment all other moments are built on; this is the accumulative, cumulative time). i always remember the last place i was when i found it, when it happened, when the tug and yearning for the unsatisfiable urge last clipped away. it’s driving past a lake with many trees, very fast, and the wind is whipping so the trees are almost horizontal with gravitational bend. it was last tuesday, and i haven’t felt it since then, when i let it all quiet & became my true, honest purposeful being of love. i remembered who i was and what i had to re-remember – how I almost had to think of it first thing when i woke up or else it wouldn’t carry over from the day before. and in dreaming, if done correctly, would help make it so you didn’t forget. talking on the phone with my aunt or my brother & it happened. the last time it happened was yesterday while rocking the baby to sleep. Bam! i remembered! shit! i figured it out for the 4,000th time. working in the garden. the last time was this morning drinking juice. the earth smiled & engulfed the weight of my body when it carries stress and the opposite of hope, is that despair?

and in those gaps between remembering, the forgetting hurts. it is conflict and assortments of strange behavior led by meddlesome worries.

i remember some of the first times it happened, in childhood, which, up to a certain point, was all of those moments blurred together, driving past the lake with many horizontal trees. i forget when it stopped because i try not to think about it! a loss of innocence, a realization of the ‘adult’ or forgotten world. you learn what emotions like pain, confusion, exhaustion, and worry look like on people’s faces. people say whatever they feel like they want to to you. if they don’t understand, you are in a unique place because you are just learning that many forms of communication, especially language, often shimmy off the deep slope of a broken-tracked coal train, off the cliff, a derailed roller coaster. the broken rail doesn’t catch all ideas on the other side of the cliff. language is no longer a common denominator – and you are being asked to explain yourself.

well, no. that is where defiance comes from. that is listening to pearl jam in middle school and covering your bedroom walls with slogans from unamerican.com. you are an artist just by creating, and by expressing yourself through your own channels – by demonstrating them, coming up with them, by transposing the muse, by morphing with the tides as each new thing comes up. you learn about yourself through ‘fixing’ yourself – like how you find out where the fuel pump is on your truck when someone tells you that’s what’s wrong with it.

my ‘thing’ many times is that i am unwilling to express myself through someone else’s tools. i will create ways in which these ‘tools’ are false or undermining just so’s to not succumb to societal configurations and structures. as i struggle with, at this moment, at this crux, for me personally: the axis that says I will contribute this one thing no matter what it is or who to; and, in that sense, it doesn’t matter who your audience is. or what the subject; it’s all one, big subject, see.

luckily, this whole thing is shifting: it turns out, nobody likes the current configuration. it turns out, you can be revolutionary just by living your life! It turns out, as an ‘American,’ that you can pretty much do whatever you want which means you can be creative as fuck and do everything amazing you can reclaim old abandoned barns in your backyard covered in kudzo and stringing vines you can raise your child on music and fruits and vegetables you grow in your backyard because you love him and he’s the cutest fucking thing you’ll ever see you can you can you can you can you can you can because it is life, you only get 1 of them, do you want to stare in your child’s sparkly eyes and Know together or do you want to bitch about your job(/situation/neighbor/etc.) where you may only mildly & very trickle-down-ly be contributing to the giant non-contribution? that’s what it is: it is an enormous, monumental, non-contribution to ‘business as usual,’ & to the distracting & greedy energy. slowly, we are lining our chips up with the good fight. sadly, the good fight is getting easier and easier to see.


‘it’ happened on a pier in new hampshire; tripping mushrooms in illinois in 2003; in san francisco, on a rooftop, looking out over the complicated, stately city-stack; in taos, after breaking down in a van, falling asleep in a parking lot, sensing something life-altering swallow me whole; it happened on lots of decks in solitude with those nasty things, cigarettes. it happened traveling across the country, back and forth; it happened driving to report on things all over the valley; it happened so many times digging ditches that i eventually gave up my job and really just everything and moved there and then that’s all i did, for a living. (it is a life not a living.) i felt so close to god for those years — up in the mountains, you are closer to god — they built the cemeteries in every little spanish town there on the tops of hills, that’s why – so close but so fucking awfully far. it is the paradox of the ages. it is persephone choosing whether or not to eat the pomegranate. for me, i ended up not eating it, i refused, i thought it meant i would belong to this paradox always (though i still am not sure what it means). where there is most light; casts the biggest shadows. true selfless love is reiki, can only do good, cannot cause any harm. so you shouldn’t be afraid to use it. it’s purveyance of the simplest thing there is.

a couple of wise people once explained — if you are sitting on the ice block, and the ice is melting, okay. it makes sense. if you are just freezing your ass off — perhaps it is time to move on.


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